• Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help. 
• Thursday night -- Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 
• The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 
• Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study. 
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter. 
• The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 
• Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so. 
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. 
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 
• Thursday is our All Souls Eucharist; come along and pray for all those who 

have died during this service. 
• The Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign bumper 

sticker slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours." 
• The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning 

to join the choir. 

 You might be Orthodox if ...

(10) You are still in church more than ten minutes after the priest says, "Let us depart in peace."

(9) You forget to change your clock in the spring at Daylight Savings Time, show up an hour late, but the
service is still going on....

(8) ...but there are people in your community who still can't get to church on time when the clock gets
 set _back_ an hour in the fall.

(7) You consider an hour long church service to be "short."

(6) You buy chocolate bunnies on sale (after Western Easter).

(5) When someone says, "Let us pray..." you reflexively stand up.

(4) You went to church four or more times in a week.

(3) Your priest is married...

(2) ...and your vocabulary includes at least three words that describe the wife of a priest.

And the number one sign you might be Orthodox is...

(1) You say a prayer before you pray!

• You have varicose veins by the time you're twenty
• You don't blink when water is thrown at you
• A greasy forehead doesn't bother you
• You are a wine connoisseur
• You have a library of vegetarian cook books
• You are 60 and can still bend over and touch the floor
• You are a female under 30, yet you have a collection of head scarfs
• You are a male under 20 that has a pair of leather shoes
• You tend to buy shoes for comfort, not style
• You can name a brand of chocolate that doesn't have milk or animal fats in it
• You have Ancient Echoes in your CD collection
• You think palms and pussy willows are the same thing
• You know how to remove wax from clothing

Antony B. Dyl, Assistant Attorney General
State Services Section, Colorado Attorney General's Office
1525 Sherman Street, 7th Floor
Denver, Colorado  80203
(303) 866-5498
E Mail: tony.dyl@state.co.us

A cop pulls over a car load of nuns....

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh, sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!

Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. 

Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."

Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 120."

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.

All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", The Lord replies. 

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens. 

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. 

She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice. 

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." 

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies. 

"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and part of your nose." 

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks the Lord, "Uh, what can I get for a just a rib?"

A well worn dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty arrived at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to the shredder they struck up a conversation. The twenty reminised about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life", the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaraunts in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise from Miami."

"Wow!", said the single, "you really have gotten around."

"So tell me", says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

"Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ...." 

And the twenty says, "What's a church?"

There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to Die!"

The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!"

The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."

The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!"

The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My priest will find me!" 
 

• Did you know that Christ was baptised in the River Gordon?

• I bet you didn't know that the Holy Sprite was there, too.

• Although, some pupils disputed this, and are convinced that some girl called Holly Sprit came down dressed as a dove!!

• Also, regarding Western Marriage vows - Did you know that the bride and groom vow to "love each other, and to humour each other" (My father says that this is much more accurate than the original!)

Bloopers of children
Some bloopers of biblical proportions written by Sunday School students of both the Christian and Jewish persuasion:

• In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

• Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.

• Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

• Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.

• Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

• The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

• Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

• Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.

• Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

• The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

• Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

• The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

• The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.

• The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

• Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

• The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.

• Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

• When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

• When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus and the manager.

• Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.

• St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

• Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

• He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

• The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

• The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

• One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

• St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

• A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

Have you ever noticed that if anything funny is going to happen, you are usually in Church?!?  If it has, let me 
know by emailing me. You can choose to remain anonymous if you wish, but please indicate so when you mail me. I look forward to hearing from you and encourage you to keep checking back for more laughs in the Church Pews!!!