Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Thursday night -- Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David
Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the
church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club.
All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay
an egg on the alter.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies
will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the
new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come
forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they
may be seen in the church basement Friday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Thursday is our All Souls Eucharist; come along and pray for all those
have died during this service.
The Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign bumper
sticker slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."
The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning
to join the choir.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU THAT INDICATE YOU MIGHT
BE AN ORTHODOX CHRISTIAN
You might be Orthodox if ...
(10) You are still in church more than ten minutes after the priest
says, "Let us depart in peace."
(9) You forget to change your clock in the spring at Daylight Savings
Time, show up an hour late, but the
service is still going on....
(8) ...but there are people in your community who still can't get to
church on time when the clock gets
set _back_ an hour in the fall.
(7) You consider an hour long church service to be "short."
(6) You buy chocolate bunnies on sale (after Western Easter).
(5) When someone says, "Let us pray..." you reflexively stand up.
(4) You went to church four or more times in a week.
(3) Your priest is married...
(2) ...and your vocabulary includes at least three words that describe
the wife of a priest.
And the number one sign you might be Orthodox is...
(1) You say a prayer before you pray!
More Signs ...You're Orthodox
- You have varicose veins by the time you're twenty
- You don't blink when water is thrown at you
- A greasy forehead doesn't bother you
- You are a wine connoisseur
- You have a library of vegetarian cook books
- You are 60 and can still bend over and touch the floor
- You are a female under 30, yet you have a collection of head scarfs
- You are a male under 20 that has a pair of leather shoes
- You tend to buy shoes for comfort, not style
- You can name a brand of chocolate that doesn't have milk or animal fats
- You have Ancient Echoes in your CD collection
- You think palms and pussy willows are the same thing
- You know how to remove wax from clothing
Antony B. Dyl, Assistant Attorney General
State Services Section, Colorado Attorney General's Office
1525 Sherman Street, 7th Floor
Denver, Colorado 80203
E Mail: firstname.lastname@example.org
The Speeding Nun
A cop pulls over a car load of nuns....
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh, sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name
of the highway you're on!
Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are
shaking and trembling.
Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back
there? They're shaking something terrible."
Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 120."
The New Baby
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not
yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says,
"When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the
The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."
And God created WOMAN!!
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out,
"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", The Lord replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded
me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm
just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food
and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create
a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful
creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure
out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring
that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty
will rival that of the heavens and earth.
She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will
be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and part of your nose."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern
on his face. Finally Adam asks the Lord, "Uh, what can I get for a just
The Dollar Bill
A well worn dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty arrived at
the Bureau of Engraving and Printing to be retired. As they moved along
the conveyor belt to the shredder they struck up a conversation. The twenty
reminised about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good
life", the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic
City, the finest restaraunts in New York, performances on Broadway, and
even a cruise from Miami."
"Wow!", said the single, "you really have gotten around."
"So tell me", says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your
"Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran
And the twenty says, "What's a church?"
Seek and Save the Lost?
There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on
to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to
die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to Die!"
The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly
it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!"
The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference
does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going
The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week
and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My priest will find me!"
young lad was vising a church for the first time, checking all the announcements
and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men
in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"
usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".
the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"
Lonnie Selstad, Tracy, CA as submitted to ECULAUGH]
Temperature of Heaven
temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority
is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light
of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of
seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we
do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does
from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is
one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that
... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the
heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C).
exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations
21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in
the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone
means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C.
We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
"Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972]
Copyright reserved by Deborah and Loren Haarsma. May be
freely distributed electronically
in whole or in part, but please keep this notice attached
and do not alter the text.
- Did you know that Christ was baptised in the River Gordon?
- I bet you didn't know that the Holy Sprite was there, too.
- Although, some pupils disputed this, and are convinced that some girl called
Holly Sprit came down dressed as a dove!!
- Also, regarding Western Marriage vows - Did you know that the bride and
groom vow to "love each other, and to humour each other" (My father says
that this is much more accurate than the original!)
Some bloopers of biblical proportions written by Sunday School students
of both the Christian and Jewish persuasion:
- In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off.
- Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
- Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.
- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
- Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like
- Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread made without any ingredients.
- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
- Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
- The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
- The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
- Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews
in the Battle of Geritol.
- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.
- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.
- Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
- When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
- When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus and
- Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.
- St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to you.
- He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
- The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
- One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage.
- A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
Have you ever
noticed that if anything funny is going to happen, you are usually in Church?!?
If it has, let me know by emailing me. You can choose to remain anonymous if you wish, but please indicate
so when you mail me. I look forward to hearing from you and encourage you
to keep checking back for more laughs in the Church Pews!!!